(All right. I give a fuck enough to write about this but I really need to get this off my chest. So, bear with me.)
There’s this unspeakable thing I’ve been trying to do for a long time: NOT JUDGE. (As ironical as it might be for me to put this up on this blog with the name it has.)
Even though I always try to not judge anybody, this world is unforgiving… OK, world is too big; the people around me are unforgiving.
I mean, they judge me for trying not to judge others and pass statements so confidently as if it’s they who are thinking for me. And these unforgiving people are my friends.
TBH, it angers me beyond words when my friends pick on this attempt of mine to seriously mind my own fucken business.
“Hamna doesn’t say anything but she judges everybody in her head,” they say. Well, it’s true to some extent. Yes, sometimes I can’t stop judgments flooding my head BUT what I can stop, and I do stop is them escaping my mouth.
(Because I think and hope that if I strangle them in my throat, they will all eventually just die.)
Sometimes (and honestly, not always) when judgments hijack my thoughts when somebody does something that’s not what I’d do, like drink and lose sense of sense, I still try to shirk off those judgmental thoughts with new ones.
I try to divert my attention. It’s bloody hard.
They just usurp the thoughtless space of my brain and wreak havoc because then my thoughtlessness ensues a war with the thoughts I do not want to be there.
So, when my friends point out how I “slyly” judge people, it hurts and angers me. I’M TRYING TO STICK TO THE NO-JUDGMENT POLICY HERE, WHICH IS HARD, SO CAN YOU PLEASE STOP MAKING IT HARDER?
Neither I am nor I want to be Ms Goody Two-Shoes. Sometimes, it frightens me for I might come across as too uptight for a friendship to last; the dreaded killjoy.
I sometimes think a person would stop speaking with me because I won’t come across as fun in a world where sometimes people bond over making fun of others which I refuse to do.
All I want is to make peace with the fact that the world is full of different people who do things for a reason or just because they like to do those things. They have the effing right to do what they want and so do I.
So, my dear friends, when I say I don’t judge people, please stop looking at me like I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m totally aware of what I mean so please stop finding any context in it besides the fact that I REFUSE TO JUDGE.
Now, some of you might have found offense in whatever I stated above. But, I’m sorry, I can’t apologise because I mean it all. I expect you to understand it like the rational adult you are. Thank you very much for understanding.
I’ll end my rant with this unsolicited piece of advice because I can do at least one normal thing, no? – Try not to judge people and I bet you’ll feel lighter when you stop giving two shits about others.